This has truly been an incredible end to a sucktastic week. For completely illegitimate reasons, Tuesday and Wednesday were the worst days I've had in a long time. Tuesday started out great, I was in a good mood, life was happy, and then the night rapidly declined, and I went to bed angry and upset. Wednesday I found myself taking out my anger, frustration, and hurt feelings on nearly everyone I came in contact with. I sulked around campus listening to depressing songs that only reinforced my feelings of loneliness and despair. I successfully cut myself off from those who wanted to help me, refused to talk about it, and spent the day in total self-pity.
Thursday came around, and I was feeling a little better, not a lot- but enough to make it through the day without appearing to hate everyone I spoke to. I went through the usual Thursday routine- work, $ Lunch, work, run, shower, homework, etc. At this point, I was debating going to Women's night, because I still wasn't really in the mood to be peppy and be around people. I'm sure it seemed like I was alright, because I do really well at hiding my emotions from people, but I was still kinda upset. But I ended up going and I'm really glad I did.
We (and by 'we' I mean Jamie) talked about making a game plan for this semester, and how we can't expect to successfully fight off the devil and temptation without one. There were several categories in which we should make a plan, including in friendships, your spiritual walk, healthy habits, and time management- but the one that stuck out to me was relationships (which makes sense as that category was the reason for my anger the day before). Jamie gave us a couple of verses to consider when thinking about relationships we may or may not want to pursue (one being the ever-famous "Do not be unequally yoked..." verse) but she threw in another one as well, one that I had never heard used in that context before.
Matthew 6:31-34
So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
She basically talked about how we shouldn't worry about relationships; which is an incredibly difficult concept for me to grasp- because I am a total worrier. I worry about EVERYTHING. Even though I tell myself "I know God has that one man for me," I still tack on at the end, "I have to go find him now."
Not a good plan. Not at all.
When I have days like I had Wednesday, it’s because I have either a) decided I've found the one and he doesn't reciprocate, or b) decided that he's either not out there or I won't ever find him. Basically for any of you who were wondering, that's the reader’s digest version of what was going on with me. I had convinced myself (again) that I was going to be alone forever and that, in the words of the Taylor Swift song I listened to all day, “I’m not a princess, this aint a fairy tale, I’m not the one you’ll sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell…”
But God says otherwise. He tells me that I am a princess. I just can’t make myself realize just how important it is that I trust Him. I tell myself this over and over again- that the Lord will provide. I don’t believe that He has called me to be single forever, as He has given me such an intense desire (since I was about 12) to get married and have a family. But I can’t make my head convey that knowledge to my emotions (the ones that go insane on a daily basis). I go from an ultimate high when I get the slightest scrap of attention from a guy that I’m interested in, then straight to rock bottom the second he does or says something that indicates his feelings aren’t as strong as mine. Then I go through the day depressed and convinced that I am for whatever reason too flawed to ever get married.
This is a lie. And I know it. I know this is the devil doing nothing more than taking advantage of my biggest fear. Women’s night helped me realize that it’s not my job to worry about it- I don’t have to worry about who I am going to marry. That could be years from now, and today has enough issues of its own anyway.
What I should be doing is seeking God with everything I have. I should be running after Him with everything I have, and He will provide for my needs.
Now, the sign that Becca Todd has in her room:
Dance with God and He will let the perfect man cut in.
The bottom line is that I am God’s. He has the ultimate say in who is involved in my life, and He has control over it. I may think I know what is best, and I may think I know what I want, but I’m pretty sure He laughs at how little I know compared to how much I think I know. He must find me rather comical sometimes.
But anyway, I think tonight may be the end of my worrying over this. I already feel about 1000 times better (writing out my thoughts always helps). Now all I have to do is remember that God is the one leading the dance, and He will let someone cut in for a short while before He takes me back forever.
Isn’t that an amazing metaphor?
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Psalm 139
What an incredible passage. I still find myself in awestruck wonder thinking about the enormity of our Lord. He knows all. He commands all. He controls all. Wow.
I was rereading it in Spanish after church today and some parts just struck me as even more beautiful and incredible after being translated back into English. I'll show you what I mean.
Psalm 139:6
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Salmos 139:6
Conocimiento tan maravilloso rebasa mi comprensión;
tan sublime es que no puedo entenderlo.
There are 3 things about this verse in Spanish that stick out to me the most, the first being the word "conocimiento." If you know much about spanish, then you'll know there are two verbs used for "to know": Saber and Conocer. Saber is used when you want to demonstrate that you know facts or know how to do something. But conocer is used when you want to say you know a person- you are familiar with them. God knows us as more than just facts, as more than just a combination of proteins and cells. He knows us at a personal level, despite knowing everything about us. Despite knowing how we fail Him on a daily basis, and how our thoughts so often fail to align with His, and how we feel the need to take control and put Him in the backseat, He still loves us and still wants to know us on a personal, deep, intimate level.
The second is the word "maravilloso". In English the word used is 'wonderful' but 'maravilloso' also means marvelous, which to me carries a much stronger connotation than wonderful. The dictionary definition is 'such as to cause wonder, amazement, and astonishment.' God's amount of knowledge should never cease to astonish us. It baffles me when I try to think about just how much He does know. Our human minds can't wrap themselves around the infinite knowledge of God.
The third is the word 'sublime' which is a complete cognate and means 'sublime' in English. I wasn't exactly sure what the definition of sublime was, so I looked it up. I knew the general concept, but never expected to find a definition this potent:
Sublime- impressing the mind with a sense of grandeur or power; inspiring awe, veneration, etc.
Think about some of those words used. So full of grandeur and power, so awe inspiring, so venerating: we can't understand it.
Translated back to English from Spanish, the verse reads this way:
Knowledge so marvelous it exceeds and surpasses my understanding;
so sublime (full of grandeur and power, awe-inspiring, and venerating) that I am not able to understand it.
I LOVE the way verses can become so powerful when taken back from Spanish.
I was rereading it in Spanish after church today and some parts just struck me as even more beautiful and incredible after being translated back into English. I'll show you what I mean.
Psalm 139:6
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Salmos 139:6
Conocimiento tan maravilloso rebasa mi comprensión;
tan sublime es que no puedo entenderlo.
There are 3 things about this verse in Spanish that stick out to me the most, the first being the word "conocimiento." If you know much about spanish, then you'll know there are two verbs used for "to know": Saber and Conocer. Saber is used when you want to demonstrate that you know facts or know how to do something. But conocer is used when you want to say you know a person- you are familiar with them. God knows us as more than just facts, as more than just a combination of proteins and cells. He knows us at a personal level, despite knowing everything about us. Despite knowing how we fail Him on a daily basis, and how our thoughts so often fail to align with His, and how we feel the need to take control and put Him in the backseat, He still loves us and still wants to know us on a personal, deep, intimate level.
The second is the word "maravilloso". In English the word used is 'wonderful' but 'maravilloso' also means marvelous, which to me carries a much stronger connotation than wonderful. The dictionary definition is 'such as to cause wonder, amazement, and astonishment.' God's amount of knowledge should never cease to astonish us. It baffles me when I try to think about just how much He does know. Our human minds can't wrap themselves around the infinite knowledge of God.
The third is the word 'sublime' which is a complete cognate and means 'sublime' in English. I wasn't exactly sure what the definition of sublime was, so I looked it up. I knew the general concept, but never expected to find a definition this potent:
Sublime- impressing the mind with a sense of grandeur or power; inspiring awe, veneration, etc.
Think about some of those words used. So full of grandeur and power, so awe inspiring, so venerating: we can't understand it.
Translated back to English from Spanish, the verse reads this way:
Knowledge so marvelous it exceeds and surpasses my understanding;
so sublime (full of grandeur and power, awe-inspiring, and venerating) that I am not able to understand it.
I LOVE the way verses can become so powerful when taken back from Spanish.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Timing is Everything
I've been thinking a lot lately- mostly about how if I had followed the path I started out on as a kindergarten student, then a middle and high-schooler, I would not be where I am now. If I had followed my plans, there's not a way in the world I would be in Bowling Green. I would be in 1 of 2 places: Woodford County, or Rome, GA.
As I think about this, I can't help but know there is a specific reason why I am supposed to be a Spanish and French major at Western from 2008-2012.
1. I should have entered college in 2009.
2. I NEVER planned on that college being Western. Actually, I swore it wouldn't be.
3. I never should have been able to go on to AP Spanish and fall in love with the language the way I did.
First- number 1.
For any of you who don't know- I skipped a grade. I missed the cut off to start school in 1995 by almost 3 months. Lucky for me, my elementary school's primary program consisted of split classes. So, my first and second years of school in a K/1st class. Then my 3rd year I moved into Jackie Hogue's (then Kilgallin's) 2nd/3rd split class. Again, coincidentally, Jackie was my neighbor, went to my church, and knew me and my family really well. She noticed that the 2nd grade work was too easy for me (mostly because I would be done in about 2 minutes then be at her desk bugging her.) So, she started letting me hang out with the 3rd graders and do their work instead. Meanwhile, she fought to make the school district let me take the CTBS test. And they did. When my test results came back, they really had no choice but let me go on to 4th grade.
But going from 2nd to 4th grade could be a huge social issue. Again- lucky for me, nearly ALL of my friends were a year older than me. Meghan Mulvaney (my BFF, Jill) was a year ahead, and Caitlyn Boyd (who I met that summer) was as well. So not only was I prepared academically for the transition, but also for the social. Hence, I graduated in 2008 rather than 2009.
2. Oh, Western. Around April of my senior year, I was still super bitter about going to Western. I didn't want to go to Western. I wanted to go to Berry. This is a dorm at Berry College:
Why would anyone not want to live in a castle for 4 years? I went down there three times. Once with my mom and aunt, once with mom and dad just for a visit, and once for the defining day in the rest of my future: The Presidential Scholarship Competition.
See... there's this thing at Berry... they call it tuition. It's sort of upwards of $30,000 a year. I knew that the only way Berry could become a reality is if I were to win the Presidential Scholarship: full tuition. So, in February, I competed. In late March, early April, I found out that I wasn't one of the 5 to get the scholarship. I got the next one down. Not enough. So, I traded in my navy blue and silver for red, black, and white. I was a Hilltopper. Whether I wanted to be or not.
Disclaimer: By the end of the summer, if someone had walked up to me and said "We will pay you 10 million dollars to go to Berry, pack your stuff and let's go!" I would have said "You can take your crappy money and go back to Georgia 'cause I'm a HILLTOPPER NOW!"
3. Spanish: LOVE OF MY LIFE.
I didn't start spanish until my junior year (because I didn't think I would like it or be good at it) and going through the whole program at WCHS required 5 semesters. I only had 4. The highest level I would be able to get to would be Spanish III, and I would only be able to do that if I quit band- something I didn't want to do (at that point in the game, at least).
Yes, I was in band in high school. I was actually field commander my Junior year. Turns out I ended up hating every minute of my life when I was stuck inside that room, and decided to quit at the end of the year. Hallelujah, praise Jesus! That's the best decision I ever made.
So, now I have 2 extra blocks to take other classes my senior year. So I'm thinking to myself, ok- I'll take Spanish III and just get as much spanish in as possible. Then, my mom suggests that I talk to my teacher and see if there is any way I can skip Spanish II, and go on to III.
Wow. Talk about timing being everything. It just so happened that they were changing the cirriculum around so that they were going to teach everything in II that you normally learned in III. And since it was in the middle of the transition, the kids who were going to be in III that following semester were at about the same level of Spanish I was.
So, I went on to take (and dominate, if I do say so myself) AP Spanish, and now I am a Spanish major.
So, as you can see, TONS of things had to change to get me to be a Spanish major at Western in 2008. I can't help but think that God, in His infinite wisdom and power, has some reason that I am supposed to be here this year; today; right now. I feel like there is something I'm supposed to do here that could only happen this year. Maybe there is someone that is going to have a huge impact on my life that I could have only met in 2008. I don't know.
Basically, when I say "Luckily", "Fortunately", or "Coincidentally", what I mean is "Then God decided that...." Nothing was by luck, fortune, or coincidence. It is all in the His will that surpasses anything I could ever dream of or ever hope to know.
But what I do know is that for some reason, while it still may be unknown to me, God really wants me here this year.
As I think about this, I can't help but know there is a specific reason why I am supposed to be a Spanish and French major at Western from 2008-2012.
1. I should have entered college in 2009.
2. I NEVER planned on that college being Western. Actually, I swore it wouldn't be.
3. I never should have been able to go on to AP Spanish and fall in love with the language the way I did.
First- number 1.
For any of you who don't know- I skipped a grade. I missed the cut off to start school in 1995 by almost 3 months. Lucky for me, my elementary school's primary program consisted of split classes. So, my first and second years of school in a K/1st class. Then my 3rd year I moved into Jackie Hogue's (then Kilgallin's) 2nd/3rd split class. Again, coincidentally, Jackie was my neighbor, went to my church, and knew me and my family really well. She noticed that the 2nd grade work was too easy for me (mostly because I would be done in about 2 minutes then be at her desk bugging her.) So, she started letting me hang out with the 3rd graders and do their work instead. Meanwhile, she fought to make the school district let me take the CTBS test. And they did. When my test results came back, they really had no choice but let me go on to 4th grade.
But going from 2nd to 4th grade could be a huge social issue. Again- lucky for me, nearly ALL of my friends were a year older than me. Meghan Mulvaney (my BFF, Jill) was a year ahead, and Caitlyn Boyd (who I met that summer) was as well. So not only was I prepared academically for the transition, but also for the social. Hence, I graduated in 2008 rather than 2009.
2. Oh, Western. Around April of my senior year, I was still super bitter about going to Western. I didn't want to go to Western. I wanted to go to Berry. This is a dorm at Berry College:
Why would anyone not want to live in a castle for 4 years? I went down there three times. Once with my mom and aunt, once with mom and dad just for a visit, and once for the defining day in the rest of my future: The Presidential Scholarship Competition.
See... there's this thing at Berry... they call it tuition. It's sort of upwards of $30,000 a year. I knew that the only way Berry could become a reality is if I were to win the Presidential Scholarship: full tuition. So, in February, I competed. In late March, early April, I found out that I wasn't one of the 5 to get the scholarship. I got the next one down. Not enough. So, I traded in my navy blue and silver for red, black, and white. I was a Hilltopper. Whether I wanted to be or not.
Disclaimer: By the end of the summer, if someone had walked up to me and said "We will pay you 10 million dollars to go to Berry, pack your stuff and let's go!" I would have said "You can take your crappy money and go back to Georgia 'cause I'm a HILLTOPPER NOW!"
3. Spanish: LOVE OF MY LIFE.
I didn't start spanish until my junior year (because I didn't think I would like it or be good at it) and going through the whole program at WCHS required 5 semesters. I only had 4. The highest level I would be able to get to would be Spanish III, and I would only be able to do that if I quit band- something I didn't want to do (at that point in the game, at least).
Yes, I was in band in high school. I was actually field commander my Junior year. Turns out I ended up hating every minute of my life when I was stuck inside that room, and decided to quit at the end of the year. Hallelujah, praise Jesus! That's the best decision I ever made.
So, now I have 2 extra blocks to take other classes my senior year. So I'm thinking to myself, ok- I'll take Spanish III and just get as much spanish in as possible. Then, my mom suggests that I talk to my teacher and see if there is any way I can skip Spanish II, and go on to III.
Wow. Talk about timing being everything. It just so happened that they were changing the cirriculum around so that they were going to teach everything in II that you normally learned in III. And since it was in the middle of the transition, the kids who were going to be in III that following semester were at about the same level of Spanish I was.
So, I went on to take (and dominate, if I do say so myself) AP Spanish, and now I am a Spanish major.
So, as you can see, TONS of things had to change to get me to be a Spanish major at Western in 2008. I can't help but think that God, in His infinite wisdom and power, has some reason that I am supposed to be here this year; today; right now. I feel like there is something I'm supposed to do here that could only happen this year. Maybe there is someone that is going to have a huge impact on my life that I could have only met in 2008. I don't know.
Basically, when I say "Luckily", "Fortunately", or "Coincidentally", what I mean is "Then God decided that...." Nothing was by luck, fortune, or coincidence. It is all in the His will that surpasses anything I could ever dream of or ever hope to know.
But what I do know is that for some reason, while it still may be unknown to me, God really wants me here this year.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Please close the flood gates!
Well, I’m at work right now, and there are quite a few things I should be doing, rather than writing this blog, but alas- here we are.
Even as I sit here writing this, realizing what I’m doing and how it’s affecting me, I’m still doing it. I am worrying, anticipating, analyzing, not trusting. Everything I know I shouldn’t be doing I have been doing so for a few weeks now. Especially analyzing (what I do best in my opinion). It has, however, become especially bad in the past few days. I have been analyzing everything people say to me, every look I get, every action or lack thereof. All the analyzing has sent my mind into overdrive and I can’t seem to get it back under control. There has been an unending flood of thought flying through my head since late Saturday night. It caused me to run outside on Sunday.
I hate running. Especially outside.
I don’t like analyzing everything. I don’t want to worry about stuff, but it seems lately that I have no control over it. I spent nearly every moment I was awake on Sunday thinking about the situation I found myself in. I don’t like it. I feel like I’m obsessed, and there is nothing I should be obsessed with other than God. He is the only one that deserves as much attention as I am giving this situation right now. And the sucky thing is, is that if I were trusting in Him as I should be, I would be able to give Him this attention, rather than expending all my energy on the issues in my life. I guess it would just be great if anyone who reads this could pray that I would turn the situation over to God and that He would take the weight of it off my shoulders. I don’t want it anymore.
Even as I sit here writing this, realizing what I’m doing and how it’s affecting me, I’m still doing it. I am worrying, anticipating, analyzing, not trusting. Everything I know I shouldn’t be doing I have been doing so for a few weeks now. Especially analyzing (what I do best in my opinion). It has, however, become especially bad in the past few days. I have been analyzing everything people say to me, every look I get, every action or lack thereof. All the analyzing has sent my mind into overdrive and I can’t seem to get it back under control. There has been an unending flood of thought flying through my head since late Saturday night. It caused me to run outside on Sunday.
I hate running. Especially outside.
I don’t like analyzing everything. I don’t want to worry about stuff, but it seems lately that I have no control over it. I spent nearly every moment I was awake on Sunday thinking about the situation I found myself in. I don’t like it. I feel like I’m obsessed, and there is nothing I should be obsessed with other than God. He is the only one that deserves as much attention as I am giving this situation right now. And the sucky thing is, is that if I were trusting in Him as I should be, I would be able to give Him this attention, rather than expending all my energy on the issues in my life. I guess it would just be great if anyone who reads this could pray that I would turn the situation over to God and that He would take the weight of it off my shoulders. I don’t want it anymore.
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