Dance with God

This has truly been an incredible end to a sucktastic week. For completely illegitimate reasons, Tuesday and Wednesday were the worst days I've had in a long time. Tuesday started out great, I was in a good mood, life was happy, and then the night rapidly declined, and I went to bed angry and upset. Wednesday I found myself taking out my anger, frustration, and hurt feelings on nearly everyone I came in contact with. I sulked around campus listening to depressing songs that only reinforced my feelings of loneliness and despair. I successfully cut myself off from those who wanted to help me, refused to talk about it, and spent the day in total self-pity.
Thursday came around, and I was feeling a little better, not a lot- but enough to make it through the day without appearing to hate everyone I spoke to. I went through the usual Thursday routine- work, $ Lunch, work, run, shower, homework, etc. At this point, I was debating going to Women's night, because I still wasn't really in the mood to be peppy and be around people. I'm sure it seemed like I was alright, because I do really well at hiding my emotions from people, but I was still kinda upset. But I ended up going and I'm really glad I did.
We (and by 'we' I mean Jamie) talked about making a game plan for this semester, and how we can't expect to successfully fight off the devil and temptation without one. There were several categories in which we should make a plan, including in friendships, your spiritual walk, healthy habits, and time management- but the one that stuck out to me was relationships (which makes sense as that category was the reason for my anger the day before). Jamie gave us a couple of verses to consider when thinking about relationships we may or may not want to pursue (one being the ever-famous "Do not be unequally yoked..." verse) but she threw in another one as well, one that I had never heard used in that context before.

Matthew 6:31-34
So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

She basically talked about how we shouldn't worry about relationships; which is an incredibly difficult concept for me to grasp- because I am a total worrier. I worry about EVERYTHING. Even though I tell myself "I know God has that one man for me," I still tack on at the end, "I have to go find him now."
Not a good plan. Not at all.
When I have days like I had Wednesday, it’s because I have either a) decided I've found the one and he doesn't reciprocate, or b) decided that he's either not out there or I won't ever find him. Basically for any of you who were wondering, that's the reader’s digest version of what was going on with me. I had convinced myself (again) that I was going to be alone forever and that, in the words of the Taylor Swift song I listened to all day, “I’m not a princess, this aint a fairy tale, I’m not the one you’ll sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell…”

But God says otherwise. He tells me that I am a princess. I just can’t make myself realize just how important it is that I trust Him. I tell myself this over and over again- that the Lord will provide. I don’t believe that He has called me to be single forever, as He has given me such an intense desire (since I was about 12) to get married and have a family. But I can’t make my head convey that knowledge to my emotions (the ones that go insane on a daily basis). I go from an ultimate high when I get the slightest scrap of attention from a guy that I’m interested in, then straight to rock bottom the second he does or says something that indicates his feelings aren’t as strong as mine. Then I go through the day depressed and convinced that I am for whatever reason too flawed to ever get married.
This is a lie. And I know it. I know this is the devil doing nothing more than taking advantage of my biggest fear. Women’s night helped me realize that it’s not my job to worry about it- I don’t have to worry about who I am going to marry. That could be years from now, and today has enough issues of its own anyway.
What I should be doing is seeking God with everything I have. I should be running after Him with everything I have, and He will provide for my needs.

Now, the sign that Becca Todd has in her room:

Dance with God and He will let the perfect man cut in.

The bottom line is that I am God’s. He has the ultimate say in who is involved in my life, and He has control over it. I may think I know what is best, and I may think I know what I want, but I’m pretty sure He laughs at how little I know compared to how much I think I know. He must find me rather comical sometimes.

But anyway, I think tonight may be the end of my worrying over this. I already feel about 1000 times better (writing out my thoughts always helps). Now all I have to do is remember that God is the one leading the dance, and He will let someone cut in for a short while before He takes me back forever.

Isn’t that an amazing metaphor?